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Vixen Manifesto
1. It is possible for every single person alive to have amazing, passionate, mind-altering sex. In fact, as human beings it is not only possible, it is our birthright.
2. Everyone should have a relationship with her/his sexuality completely separate from any other (romantic or otherwise). Your sexuality doesn’t depend on anyone else, and it is a vital part of who you are: it can be a source of power.
3. Monogamy isn’t for everyone. It’s time to be realistic about that and start dealing with it, instead of pretending it works for everybody. It doesn’t.
4. Not all relationships are meant to last – even long-term ones. If we aren’t learning and growing within a relationship, it’s time to get out. Having been together for a long time is NOT a reason to stay together.
5. One in four girls and one in six boys are survivors of sexual abuse, a huge factor in one’s current sexual reality. If you are one, know the following: 1. You are not alone. 2. It wasn’t your fault. 3. Help is available. 4. If you haven’t yet dealt with it, it’s time.
6. It is absolutely impossible for one person to fulfill all of your needs. Problematically, this is the current model for romantic relationships in our culture. We need a new one.
7. The way people receive love is different: some people feel loved when they are told aloud; others want to be shown, with gifts or acts of service. Social science shows us that over and over, people assume that others are like them. They’re not. Understanding fundamental personality differences like these can make or break relationships.
8. Relationship Ed should be taught in schools the way Sex Ed is.
9. Unresolved trauma is the root cause of most issues in relationship. Many times relationships force us to confront our deepest Family Of Origin (FOO) “issues.” So let’s confront them, instead of just unconsciously repeating old patterns. Let’s all be FOO fighters.
10. World peace will only be achieved when every person is raised in a healthy, loving, functional family system.* By learning to have healthy relationships, we actually do have the power to change the world – literally.
*healthy does not necessarily mean traditional nuclear family, nor does it mean “perfect.”
Note: This blog is hetero-normative. It excludes a lot of relationship concerns, including gay/lesbian/transgender and others. There are fascinating discussions to be had on these topic, I just don’t cover them. Also, I occasionally utilize sentence fragments. Before the Grammar Police get their panties in a bunch, please know that I realize I’m doing so. I just like to use them for effect. Note that I didn’t say “affect.”
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I like this web blog very much so much great info.
Great manifesto! I’m in total agreement, especially, on number 8… We spend a year-plus in high school learning trigonometry and medieval European history, but no high school (that I know of) teaches classes in “How to Date”. And considering how much we date as we get older, and how often most of us need to use a knowledge of trigonometry and/or medieval European history later in life, those priorities seem a bit… skewed.
(And feel free to occasionally use a preposition to end a sentence with.)
I just read your article on HuffPost. I’m so glad I found your site. I look forward to this discovery.
Melanie,
It’s a Sunday eve and I am sitting here at my computer perusuing the internet and came across your article, and yes it did catch my attention. Alot of what you wrote hits close to home with me and my current male thinking. Had I not seen your photo or name I honestly would have thought that some guy who thinks like me wrote the article, but no, it was YOU….Thank you for putting the female spin on it, that was quite refreshing, I am glad to see that there are ladies out there that do think like me as well…..:) Bruce
Mr. Bruce,
I could not believe that you have wrote just what I had in mind too… There are not more or less words in what I want to say…
Melanie,
Congratulations for the article you wrote. I wanted to say what Mr Bruce said already!
I can only say that I do live the same situation, feel the same way, and look at the same goal.!
Thank you Melanie.
Nicely done Miss. Vixen
Speaking from a place of respect for your courage to speak about difficult topics
, I think it’s odd that item 3 takes a relativist approach to monogamous relationships, but item 6 takes an absolute one. How can you say with certainty that there exists a system of relating that categorically satisfies noone?
Good food for thought, thanks for speaking out,
Bret
Number 6 is not meant to say that one person cannot fulfill all of your *sexual* needs. For many people, one person can. My point is more that many people’s romantic relationships are strained because they expect their partnee to fulfill their EVERY need: need for physical intimacy, emotional closeness, someone to be their best friend, their social life, etc. You will inevitably have needs your partner doesn’t fulfill, because one person simply can’t do all of that. You also *need* your friends, parents, perhaps a book club or sports team or girls/guys night, men’s/women’s circle, etc. People have always been most fulfilled when they are part of a larger community; as it stands, a lot of people in modern culture depend heavily on their romantic partners to fulfill all their needs, which sets up the relationship for failure.
Ah that makes a lot more sense
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