Older Men

by Vixen on July 28, 2011

Dude, what is it lately with me and older men!?

I’ve never really gotten approached by them but I swear in the last month there has been an epidemic.

I know what you're thinking ... "I wanna make out with THAT guy!"

To me, “older” in the romantic sense means over five years. Within a 5-year bracket, I can handle it. It makes sense. More than that is pushing it and at 10+, it’s a serious thing. Like if someone looks at me blankly when I mention Kanye or asks me to explain what it means to “make bank,” we’ve got a problem. And if they even mention the name Elizabeth Taylor, we’re like from different planets. No offense to her, but it’s like, do you even REALIZE how long ago it was that she was hot!?

Dating someone significantly older is like being with someone from a different culture. If you have to explain concepts or ideas you take for granted, you realize how separate you are. For example, I’m a child of the 80s. If someone doesn’t remember slap wraps, Paula Abdul, Tony Danza, or Sir Mixalot, we’re not really gonna be on the same page. Not that relationships across the years can’t work, but I think they’re harder.

Sir Mix-a-lot

Oh. My. God. Becky. Is that a giant ass they're dancing on?

For example, I dated this guy Rory briefly a few years ago. He was just over my prescribed age gap: about 6-7 years my elder. While this made me pause, he was pretty hot so I thought I’d see how it went. He was a really solid guy, had a great body, and was very down-to-earth. However, red flag number one was that he actually owned property. Now, I’m not one of those girls that’s turned on by wealth or stature; in fact, it sometimes makes me feel like I can’t really relate to the person. Particularly at the time, I was not at the age or stage where owning an actual house was at all within my realm of possibility.

But I could forgive that. What I couldn’t forgive (as I vividly recall) was when he said, “Yeah, he’s a real chip off the old block.”

OK, seriously? Not even my dad would say that. My grandfather might, except he’s dead. I literally remember thinking, “This isn’t going to work.”

Hump day, Wednesday, hot guy, cute guyNow, I usually go for men who are right around my age or younger. Especially to fuck. If I’m looking for a fuckbuddy, I’m looking for someone with a tight body, high libido, and stamina. I realize that there are things more important than this when it comes to a longer-term relationship – but to me that just means that I should get my jollies out now.

Seriously though, it’s getting kind of bizarre. I’m probably up to at least 7-8 older men who’ve asked me out lately, and I’m just left wondering, do you really think I’m going to sleep with you? Like do you really think I’m within your realm of possibility? But they probably wouldn’t be asking if they didn’t, which means that there are probably women my age who say yes. More power to them, I suppose. I’m not sure how that works.

The particularly frustrating thing is that I don’t think that guys my age aren’t interested in me, I think a lot of them just haven’t had the experience and aren’t as comfortable with themselves as the older men. They don’t always know what to say or how to go about it which means I’m usually left doing all the work, so to speak.

Hey guys! Come and talk to me! ... *before* your hair is gray.

Like I saw a group of hot surfer types on the beach the other day and after using my VixenStare on them, they noticed me. But none of them had the balls or the common sense to come over and say hello. I feel like any number of the older men I mentioned would at least have been able to make SOMETHING happen, and I could easily have gone over and said, “Hey, I’m new to the Hamptons and don’t really know the social scene yet. You guys seem fun – do you know of anything going on tonight?” I could have done this, but I didn’t feel like it. Honestly, it’s pretty great being approached.

So thank you to all the older men who’ve been approaching me. Even though I’m not going to sleep with you, I appreciate your confidence, I admire your forthrightness, and I usually quite enjoy being friends with you once we get the I’m-not-going-to-fuck-you thing out of the way. I also wish you could teach all the younger men out there a lesson: just say SOMETHING. It doesn’t matter what. The worst thing that happens is that she doesn’t respond, in which case she’s kind of a bitch and not worth going out with in the first place.

In the meantime, universe, if you’re gonna do it, at least do it up all the way … I still haven’t been approached by one of these guys:

 

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